Single Living Magazine
Wish you were single?
To be alone or not to be alone? That is the question
Jasmine Chokshi gives an Indian perspective on a global dilemma
Marriage is an alliance entered into by a man who can't sleep with the window shut,
and a woman who can't sleep with the window open.
George Bernard Shaw. |
It's the same old story: the proverbial grass that looks greener on the other side. Singles perhaps don't realize they are the envy of many who are in a committed relationship or married, for the freedom, possibilities and liberating options that the single life offers.
If you don't believe this, just ask anyone in a couple: what do they miss the most from their 'single-status' days, or do they ever wish they were single. You will be surprised at the long wish-list of things they would like to do, given the hypothetical possibility of being single again.
"I would definitely list flirting as the first thing. I miss healthy, casual flirting and the limitless options that I had when I was single," says Raghu Sunderam, a marketing communications executive. "That and the last-minute parties at home, where we could really let our hair down, make a mess of the house and not worry about the consequences." Sunderam feels that being committed brings with it a set of responsibilities and the need to 'ask her/him first' that takes away the spontaneity and don't care-a-damn abandon of single life.
The simple joys and unrestrained freedom of a life sans relationship are so obvious. Watch as much TV as you like; eat what you like, where you like; listen to your kind of music; watch your favourite sports; hang out with people only you like (no more compulsory socializing with your better half's friends); not worry about how you look or how you dress all the time; take an unplanned vacation; devote yourself to a social cause; go for 'arty' foreign language cinema … the list is limitless.
It is essentially being 'themselves' that people miss the most. Welcome to the world of no-nagging, no judging, no forced choices.
No time for me!
What's more, you have the luxury of the one of the most precious modern-commodities. Time! Just for yourself. Time to indulge in your favourite activity. Take up a course at the university, spend evenings acquiring a new skill or revisiting an old passion.
Read up, shop, paint, sing, window-shop, work out, meet friends every day, explore, travel, there is, literally and figuratively, no extra baggage. As Purvi Mehta, a human resources executive and married mother of two children says, "I can't remember the last time I spent thirty minutes in peace, relaxing, not worrying about home, office, husband and children.
"Don't get me wrong. I value my family and my job. But I have no time for myself, no time for simple pleasures that have become extinct such as reading books or watching one of my favourite classic movies at home at the weekend, let alone taking up a time-consuming hobby."
On a lighter note, Purvi says that the first thing she would do if she were single would be to get a serious makeover and spend more time doing things for herself, such as taking up yoga, pranayama, learn jazz exercise and take German language classes, among a myriad other things.
If wishes were horses … couples would fight for a ride?
Here are just a few of the responses people gave when asked for things they miss the most since being in a relationship:
I wish I could:
- go to a pub with girlfriends and grab a couple of drinks, check out some cute guys and hang out very late into the night.
- go to a spa and pamper myself all day long without being bothered about the time and what to cook.
- go backpacking to Turkey or Morocco without a ton of baby stuff or having to search for baby-friendly hotels.
- live the single lifestyle and eliminate the word 'responsibility'.
The wishlist gets fancier, as you move on, ranging from the mundane to the outlandish. "I would taste non-vegetarian food, drink alcohol and even use some unparliamentary language freely at home," says Satish Dubey, a vegetarian and teetotaler who has actually never tried any of these for fear of his wife's wrath.
"Travelling alone is my biggest, most important wish. That is one thing I would like to do without my husband and baby, as I used to in my single days." says Aditi Sheth, a creative writer.
All this isn't mere daydreaming. Most of the married/dating couples I spoke to admit feeling suffocated, either due to a sense of lack of control over their lives; or perhaps due to nostalgic memories of their past, of the way things used to be. The strains of being in a relationship not surprisingly take their toll on their need for 'space' and 'individuality'.
It's still all about money, honey
Things get even trickier and messier where finances are concerned. And this is where a lot of the strife stems from. Life is hard enough as it is, without adding in the daily struggles, conflicts and dilemmas of managing your finances. How much to spend? Whose money to spend? Where to invest? These are the very real, biting problems that cause distress, because you have to think/plan/invest/spend with other people than just yourself in mind.
To top it all, career moves and decisions are highly influenced by your relationship. "On my own, I would definitely take more risks, rather than play safe all the time for the sake of my family. When I was single, I was more carefree and took my career decisions simply based on my own judgment; there were no extraneous factors," says Jignesh Ghelani, a 35-year-old software consultant with a multinational company.
"Thinking back, I regret some of my major career moves that I took due to family considerations. I miss the freewill of my bachelor days and I wish I could reverse some of my career moves," he says.
"I remember the time when I would spend all my salary by the month-end and do 'crazy' things like buy ten pairs of shoes or an exorbitant dress, on the spur of the moment and not feel guilty or worry about the future," says Sahana Misra, "Now I have to take conscientious financial decisions and it kills the joy of spending money, all the time."
So what's the answer?
Does this mean we should give up on relationships or marriage, or rebel against 'companionship' of any kind? Is the modern individual too egocentric to survive any kind of society for long? Those are perhaps questions for a more socio-anthropological kind of debate. Most of us do seem to have a strong desire for partnership, yet the above responses surely indicate that the calm surface of most relationships conceals a lot of suppressed feelings. All lifestyles seem to have their pluses and minuses, but before you dive into the world of coupledom, just remember what you may be about to leave behind!
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