Single Living

Helen's story

One of our members gives a poignantly honest account of her break-up

It gets better. Think positive. Look ahead. Time heals. You deserve better. What goes around comes around. Do all these sound familiar? For the most part, these aphorisms are true and life does go on but how and when does it start?

Very good question. I sometimes hate my present life, I'm sad, then happy; depressed then upbeat. I feel like Jekyl and Hyde! For a few days, I'm full of positive energy, creating a new life for myself and my son, getting out and about, talking to my friends, laughing and joking - and then I wake up and the coin has been reversed during the night. I wake dreaming of him or her or them and it's 5.30 or 6.00 in the morning! Life is a bitch and then you die, and that is so true.

However, life does go on and the only person that can make this happen is you. So DO NOT BERATE YOURSELF for feeling like a bag of ****! These are normal feelings, but try to find the positive thoughts; try to steer your mind to the good stuff that is sure to follow.

This is my story so far ...

I had been with my partner for almost 18 years (give or take about 3 months!), married for 15 of them. Just before Christmas, my husband and I went out for a drink down the local. I actually didn't feel like going really, but made the effort. Whilst there, we chatted generally as usual but he had been in a funny mood for a while now and I thought I would try to get him to tell me what was bugging him.

I knew that work was not great for him, that he was totally fed up with the company politics, so I pushed to find the reasons for his grumpiness, moods, snapping at J, always tired etc. We left the pub and on the way back, he informed me that he didn't love me "in that way" any more. I just crumpled on the spot, it was such a shock. I felt that he had physically hit me in the face.

We arrived home and went straight to our room, whereupon he divulged he had been having an affair since March of that year. Actually turns out to be longer ? no surprise I suppose. Hindsight would be one of the most powerful tools in the world if someone could market it - I truly never had an inkling ? never. It was a bolt out of the blue, never mind the wife being the last to know, NO ONE knew, no one.

The questions started then: who was she; do you love her; what does she look like; how could you, etc etc.

I was totally gobsmacked and just couldn't understand how he could do this to me, the person he supposedly loved, knowing it would just devastate and shatter my world. He knew that that was the one thing I deplored; why didn't he tell me before getting involved? He was afraid I would chuck him out, but I didn't; in fact I wanted him to stay, I was willing to do anything to repair the damage.

But it didn't make any difference: he stayed the weekend, spent one night in a hotel and then went to live with "her". The grief and heartache he has caused me is beyond comprehension. How could he do this to me? I didn't do anything to warrant this. He used to love me SO MUCH ?what went wrong? He cannot actually tell me: a combination of things is the most of an explanation I have had. I personally think he is going through some sort of midlife crisis. I know this kind of thing happens and is common these days, I just never thought it would happen to me. I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy.

I wanted him to stay so very much, but I did not beg him to stay. I was never going to do that. That is the gist of what has happened but take heart because I am looking forward. In the three months since it happened I have already changed a lot of my life around.

The first thing I did was to go to Spain and stay with my parents for a couple of weeks, making my husband come back to look after our son. I freely admit, I tried to disrupt his and their life as much as possible. On returning to the UK I had to undergo a major operation which in some ways set me back but I'm moving on now.

The next thing I did was to join Single Living I had seen Mike Halson in an article in the Daily Mail and tore the number out, rang up and asked for the bumph on the organisation. This duly arrived and I filled it in and sent the application off. I have spoken to Mike and Laura a few times and they have been very helpful.

I am currently at college studying hospitality and catering and I am determined to finish the course, achieving the highest grade possible. Whilst recuperating from my op, I met an old friend of mine who is now pregnant. I knew she worked in a local hotel and asked if her boss would consider me to cover maternity leave. He has agreed to train me and if all goes well, I start my job in June this year which may lead to a permanent position in the hotel.

Due to the circumstances and stress, I have dropped lots of weight and quite surprisingly have not "comfort eaten", instead losing about 4 stone! I intend to lose more and really tone my body to be fit and healthy but not fanatical. I have been given the all-clear after my operation, so I can now start back at the gym, gently of course. I am going to enrol at the local swimming baths to do water aerobics. I'm not ugly, not beautiful or stunning either, but HE is not going to beat me. I am a fighter: I will survive this hardship in my life and I WILL SUCCEED. He is the one who will look back and think "what have I done?" I got myself a new pair of glasses that make me look very different and he actually commented that they suited me!

I intend to have a bloody good life, so you see, when I feel good, I am so positive and all I have said, I intend to make happen. Slowly, slowly, catchee monkey. My monkey is out there somewhere waiting for me and I am going to have fun finding it.