The Origins of Single Again

The Origins of Single Again

by Christina Basciano BA (Hons) Psych, founder of Single Again

(This article was written in 1995, when Single Again was two years old)

Contents: How it all began   The idea is born   Growing media support   Meeting a growing need   The movement grows   Single Again networks   Single Again Syndrome   Single Again advisory services   National awareness campaign

Single Again was founded in 1993. The organisation is a pioneer in its field - along with a growing body of members and sympathisers, we have sought to promote the interests of everyone who has experienced the pain and uncertainty of facing the future alone once more.

 How it all began

For the first few weeks following the break-up of my own marriage, I felt an immense relief. It was an escape from the pain and anger of living daily in a deeply unhappy relationship. Later, I began to realise what I had let myself in for. After years of married life, I felt cut adrift, lonely and unsure of what direction my future would take. And I realised too that I could not undo the past.

I began the slow process of trying to restructure a life which felt as if it had been wiped out with a single gesture. I had walked into a social vacuum. It surrounded me with a vague sense of feeling permanently isolated and was magnified in the practicalities of daily living - I was suddenly relegated to the "Meals For One" stratum of society. Increasingly, I became aware of how my social life was limited and of the subtle social stigma associated with my newly single existence. Everyone around me seemed shaken by an overnight change in my marital status. I hardly knew where to begin putting the pieces back together - and even if I could, it was clear they would never fit the same way as before.

Of one thing I was certain - there had to be others who were experiencing the same feelings and reactions.

 The idea is born

Out of this, the idea for Single Again was born. One evening, I met with a friend with experience in producing magazines. Over drinks in a local pub, I said: "I want to start a self-help newsletter for people who are trying to start over after a long-term relationship - do you think you could help?"

Little did I suspect what I had embarked upon! In September 1993, 500 copies of our first 12-page newsletter were printed. There was no budget for advertising Single Again, and I was working full time, so we announced its existence with a simple one-page press release and hoped the word would get around within the local community. Within a few days, we heard from Today newspaper, which printed a story subheaded "I didn’t want to forget our good times". We were flooded with over 400 letters, including one from an OAP wondering whether he and I were possibly related!

 Growing media support

The Today feature sparked off a flurry of media interest. Within a few days we were rung by GLR (Greater London Radio) to do an interview and phone-in with Diana Luke. The Independent newspaper rang up and I found myself being interviewed for a story which appeared on 18th September with the title "Magazine offers advice on single life".

The Independent article inspired yet more interest and we were invited on to the BBC Radio 4 "Midweek" programme. I arrived at the studios - a complete bag of nerves - to talk on live radio about the need for practical self-help for people who are single once more.

Telephone calls and letters flooded in. the Mail on Sunday You Magazine published our address on September 26th and the Daily Mirror on September 29th described us as "an upbeat magazine designed to... help people realise their lives are not over when their relationship is over." Still more letters poured in, asking for help or advice and telling heartfelt stories of break-up, divorce or bereavement.

In September still, we were invited to appear on ITV's "The Time The Place" for what turned out to be a good warm-up for the many TV interviews to follow. Luckily, the buzz of activity gave me little time to really think about the implications of all this publicity.

 Meeting a growing need

What had we started? Why was a simple newsletter attracting such overwhelming attention? Need, of course. We had inadvertently struck a deep well of unexpressed emotions, ideas and experiences, and provided a forum for their expression. Our biggest obstacle - and my greatest fear - was going to reside in living up to the expectations the media support had generated. We were going to have to learn and learn fast.

 The movement grows

In October 1993, we were invited onto "UK Living", a cable TV station, at Teddington Studios in West London and had our first taste of a real TV interview. In the same month, Single Again was featured in the Independent on Sunday in a feature by Linda Grant entitled "Why are we single?" In November, the Telegraph rang up with a different sort of request - they wanted to interview a group of Single Again members. Journalist Mick Brown came out from the paper to interview us at the weekend over wine and nibbles. It was an evening characterised by both serious issues and lots of laughter.

The feature was published on November 22nd with the title "Smile, You’re Single Once More" and accompanied by a mirth-filled photograph. People loved it. They were fed up with the "pity vote" so often given to newly single individuals.

 Single Again networks

However, while our message was aimed to be positive, and continues to be so, we were experiencing a growing concern regarding the sense of isolation felt by many of our members. "Can’t you put me in touch with other subscribers?" was asked more than once and, with Christmas coming on, we felt we were in a position to make it a more festive season for many. Although we felt it important that Single Again should not get into the match-making business, there was a clear desire among our members to get in touch with others in similar circumstances.

Our first attempt to provide a solution proved only partially successful. In December 1993 we launched two separate networks - one for women and the other for men - called ‘Wellwishers’. The women’s network was an instant hit, and many women who were looking for friendship over the Christmas period and beyond were to have their prayers answered that year. Sadly, the men’s network did not survive long, as it was unable to attract enough members.

After a while we started to look at ways of building on the original idea. After surveying our members, we completely relaunched the women’s network as the Especially For Women (EFW) Club in March 1995. In its first month, the EFW Club was featured on Carlton and Sky television, and in the Daily Mail and New Woman magazine. Membership grew fast as single women identified a new and safe way to get in touch with others in the same circumstances

Having found a formula that worked, we decided to try again to offer a similar service to men. In January 1996 we launched our new venture - the Single Again Club, for single individuals of either sex. From the moment the club was announced, it was clear that it would be a success - it attracted huge media interest as well as enthusiastic support from the thousands of people who phoned for details of our services.

 Single Again Syndrome

With nearly 40% of the total adult population in Britain on their own because they are single, divorced or bereaved, it is a sad irony that the society in which they live can often seem unsupportive, not to say hostile. How many of us have not felt at one time or other a sense of stigma as a single person at a party or when dining or travelling alone? Even relatives and close friends are often guilty of implying that you will not be a ‘complete’ person again until you are back in a relationship. Yet anyone who has undergone the stress of recovering from relationship breakdown or bereavement will know that it takes time to recover your equilibrium and sort out the mess from what has gone before.

In November 1993, Single Again released a ground-breaking report which for the first time identified a modern cultural syndrome associated with relationship breakdown, and emphasised a lack of social empathy regarding the potentially profound effects of break-up on the individual. It was entitled "Single Again Syndrome - The Cultural Malaise of the Nineties" and included interviews from experts concerned with a broad spectrum of issues related to single living - from the emotional impact to the commercial implications.

The report was reviewed on BBC-TV Breakfast News, BBC-TV World Service and over 25 radio programmes across the country including Radio 4’s "PM" programme and Radio 1’s "Newsbeat".

The widespread media attention provided a strong indication that as a society we are gradually changing in the way we perceive the single-again community. There is, without any doubt, a growing awareness of the constraints imposed upon the newly single individual in the areas affecting his or her quality of life - from social, personal, financial and legal to commercial issues - but there is still a long way to go.

 Single Again advisory services

Anyone going through the initial trauma of break-up stands apart from others in that their needs for reassurance and advice are more immediate. In March 1994 we began a free advice sheet service called "Single Again Info-line". Soon we were being flooded with requests for ever more complex and detailed information. It became clear that we could not possibly serve this demand on our own - the advisory service would have to become self-funding if we were to continue. So in November 1994, we launched the "Single Again Advice Line", a non-profit making telephone service, and the first of its kind!

 National Awareness Campaign

In June 1995, Single Again launched a national awareness campaign, targetted at local communities across the country, with the slogan "If you are on your own, you are not alone!" The aims of the campaign are supported by a network of five key support groups and charities in related areas, namely Gingerbread (a national charity run by lone parents for lone parents), Break-up Support (a Scottish charity), Fairshares (campaigners for women’s pension rights after divorce), the National Council for the Divorced & Separated (NCDS) and the Single Travellers Action Group (STAG).

Single Again Syndrome

Written by Christina Basciano in 1994, this report resulted in nationwide coverage.

Contents: The Emergence of Single Again Syndrome   The impact of break-up   Great expectations   Death of a partnership   Social pressure to recover   Holding back the tears   The courtroom bust-up   A legacy of pain   The need to resolve conflict   Women and the poverty trap   Confusion over dating rules  Commercial exploitation   Solo travellers pay more   Understanding the syndrome   A positive transition 

THE EMERGENCE OF SINGLE AGAIN SYNDROME

The subject of divorce and relationship breakdown has received substantial, almost uninterrupted attention from the media and many influential organisations, particularly over the last decade. Why? Because we are now experiencing the powerful cultural impact of widespread partnership breakdown and only recently have we begun to discover its immediate and long-term ramifications.

In our society, when a person becomes single again, they do not simply experience a change of status - but rather a cultural syndrome into which they are unwittingly thrust, without the knowledge, guidance, or emotional literacy needed to cope with its complex and painful realities. We are under deep-rooted social pressure to mate and be monogamous, yet have not developed a cultural language to translate our pain and frustration when the partnership doesn’t last.

The result is a societal pressure cooker where an emotional amalgam of depression, anxiety, feelings of helplessness, collapse of self-confidence, anger and alienation are suppressed because there exists no available outlet. We can no longer afford to view the repercussions of separation and divorce as isolated symptoms - the whole range of issues must be treated as a widespread malaise. After a long history of adhering to the ideal of lifelong partnerships, western society has reached a watershed in its understanding of relationships.

Never before has anyone taken an ‘aerial view’ of the entire relationship breakdown landscape and asked the question: "What does it mean in real life terms to become single again?"

THE IMPACT OF BREAK-UP

"If one spouse dies after a long-term marriage, it is not uncommon for the other partner to lose their will to live and die shortly thereafter. With divorce, the ex-partner lives on and we are not free to grieve"

The Reverend Christine Dyer, Church of England

We live in a society which encourages partnership and the establishment of family life, yet we have no true method of measuring the total cultural impact of break-up as it relates to our emotional wellbeing, our long-term financial security, our personal sense of achievement and the ability of our offspring to go forth into the world with enough optimism to create and experience a lifetime of emotional and personal fulfilment.

The current estimated divorce rate is one in three. Over the last 20 years, marriage has been on the decline by more than 15%, while the number of divorces has nearly doubled over that same period. Since 1984, when changes in divorce law allowed couples to petition for divorce after one year of marriage, divorce has been on the rise. Divorce is now a fact of life. Yet we remain unprepared for its immediate and long-term impact; we ignore the unseen wounds which, if left untreated, can permanently scar our lives and those of our children.

Until we can assess the collective effects of the emotional impact, legal processes, financial repercussions and long-term unresolved conflicts as part of a cultural problem, we cannot move on. In recognising the big picture, we can break cycles which last a lifetime and give ourselves and our children the opportunity we each deserve: the opportunity to begin again with a sense of dignity.

 GREAT EXPECTATIONS

"Everyone wants their marriage to work and they go into marriage with great dreams and expectations. When things go wrong, they are forced to grieve that dream"

Kieran Murphy, Chief Executive, Gingerbread

No one goes into marriage with a view to splitting up some distant day in the future. Perhaps it is because we do not like to consider this as a potential, to admit the fallibility of the married state, that we do not prepare for its demise.

In 1992, there were nearly 160,000 decrees absolute granted in England and Wales alone. This does not account for legal separations or split-up after co-habitation. Why do we continue to live with the fairytale of happily ever after?

"Sometimes we let go of a dream, a hope or an ideal. The way to go is to let go of the pain"

Eileen McCabe, Director of Counselling & Training, Catholic Marriage Advisory Council

According to Pauline Fowler, a solicitor specialising in Family Law and a trained mediator with the Family Mediators Association, the issues stem from the fact that we have not come to terms with the reality of serial monogamy. Divorcing spouses do not consciously consider the potential impact of new partners on their relationship with the previous family.

"Currently, lawyers tend to think in terms of litigation," she says. "I think this is to do with people’s expectations - people who get married expect it to last for a lifetime. Society’s expectations are lagging behind reality."

"Although people are given no training for relationships, there is an underlying expectation that we should all know how to do it"

Tim Sparrow, Counsellor and Psychotherapist

How is it that we can suspend disbelief long enough to trust that our own partnership will never fail - others might, but not ours. "Culturally, there is an assumption that people do pair off for life, given our vows of ‘death do us part’" states Tim Sparrow, a counsellor and psychotherapist. "Given how long we live nowadays, this may no longer be appropriate."

The split rate would suggest that it isn’t. It is fair to assume that each of us goes into the married state with high hopes and ideals. This is human nature. The fact that our dreams are not always realised is not under fire - but our collective ability to empathise when things go wrong; the lack of in-built cultural mechanisms to help us deal with the pain of change - is.

"We are educated that marriage is for a lifetime. The majority of children’s books are about mummy and daddy living happily together"

Pauline Fowler, Family Law Dept, Bates, Wells & Braithwaite

Tim Sparrow advises that we have an inherent belief that if our relationship breaks down, we should have a natural ability to fix it. "Some-times it’s a good idea for people to break up," he says, "but it is uncommon to see a break-up as an achievement rather than a failure."

 DEATH OF A PARTNERSHIP

"When somebody dies, you can actually bury the corpse and you know that no matter how much anger or yearning there is for the past, there is no way they are going to come back"

Denise Knowles, Counsellor, RELATE

The impact of separation and divorce on the ex-partners of a long-term relationship can be profound. Many counsellors suggest that break-up can be worse than bereavement for its long-term effects. Denise Knowles, a counsellor for RELATE, acknowledges that bereavement does not involve the same degree of self-blame, the holding on to feelings of "could I have done something differently to make it work?"

Kieran Murphy from Gingerbread suggests that the difference between bereavement and divorce is that, if your partner dies, people sympathise as you are in effect a ‘respectable’ lone parent. Divorced parents, however, don’t get the same treatment.

We do not seem to offer divorced people the same respect as we do the bereaved. Perhaps it is because death is so total, so finite, so absolute. Indeed, there is no act of valour which can prevent the death of a much-beloved spouse. Yet, it is this very difference which can make break-up more agonising.

"Compared to losing a loved one [through death], the pain and anguish of break-up are much the same and indeed can be sometimes worse," says Linda Hamilton from the One Parent Families Association, "for the other person still exists and every time one sees them, the pain is re-ignited. Human nature is such that it is easier to let go when life is lost completely."

Lack of cultural understanding and sympathy could, however, have much to do with our discomfort with loss. For, although we seem to have greater sympathy for the bereaved, we still have a long way to go. Maisie McKenzie, of the London Association of Bereavement Services, states that "you never get over bereavement completely - although the pain becomes less and life gains a sense of evenness." She says that socially we retain difficulty dealing with the bereaved - there are still cases where people will cross the street to avoid talking to them.

Our sympathy for the casualties of break-up is even less, though the effects are equally, if not more, traumatic in their prolonged nature.

"If we try to relate relationship breakdown to total loss [bereavement], compassion and sympathy would naturally follow"

Linda Hamilton, One Parent Families Association

"Divorce can be worse than bereavement," advises Eileen McCabe of the Catholic Marriage Advisory Council. "With bereavement, there isn’t anything you can do about it and [in most cases] the spouse has not chosen to die." Usually the dying spouse is sad about leaving and this is a comfort to the spouse who is left behind.

According to Christina Saunders, a therapist specialising in divorce recovery, "People don’t often treat break-up with the magnitude it deserves. At the time, it can be just as devastating and painful as if the loved one had died. And only recently have people begun to treat bereavement with more gravity and respect."

Christina feels that in some respects we never totally get over the hurt. Kieran Murphy of Gingerbread agrees: "Although break-up is an opportunity to make a positive transition, the effects of divorce can be part of your personality for years to come."

"With bereavement, there are cultural rituals and greater understanding. With break-up, there is nothing physical to deal with - just a dead dream"

Elizabeth Morris, Divorce Recovery Therapist

To liken divorce to bereavement has profound implications. It implies that grief for personal loss on a grand scale is not being acknowledged by our society, that the casualties of break-up are expected to cope without inbuilt social guidance and support. Indeed, they expect it of themselves.

"Life moves on so quickly that usually all help and support is given in the first three to four months," says Linda Hamilton of the One Parent Families Association. "After this, one is supposed to be over it or show a stiff upper lip."

"With divorce, there is a mourning for the whole family because all of us have an ideal picture of how our family should be"

Thelma Fisher, Director, National Family Mediation

Is divorce so deeply traumatic? If so, why do we tend to trivialise the incidence of break-up as part of modern life? Or, is it in fact the high divorce rate itself which encourages us to play down its potentially devastating long-term effects?

Thelma Fisher, Director of National Family Mediation, suggests that the damage brought about by divorce stems not only from divorce itself, but also from social attitudes and poverty, and from people not being sufficiently supported through this major life transition. Yet, before we can have attitude change, we must first acknowledge the current experiences of the splitting couple.

"The vast majority of couples never envisaged divorce happening to them," says Kieran Murphy of Gingerbread, "and they ask themselves what they did to cause it. The result is that break-up is a major blow. They have just lost a major relationship in which they have made a substantial investment over the years."

 SOCIAL PRESSURE TO RECOVER

"Break-up is more like post traumatic shock syndrome. Yet there is a subtle societal pressure that you recover quickly"

Elizabeth Morris, Divorce Recovery Therapist

It is clear the effects of break-up are never simple. To begin with, the emotional impact can be similar to a bereavement in terms of shock, numbness and denial. Counsellors suggest that it can be up to three years or more before the delayed impact of the break-up strikes, and very often the case presents itself in the guise of another problem. This could be anything from, say, a job loss to a physical illness.

"People often disappear from view when their marriages break-up because they think the Church will be judgemental"

The Reverend Christine Dyer, Church of England

But the emotional effects can be more complicated than bereavement. Because social pressure implies that they should be over it by then, feelings of guilt, rejection, personal failure and loss can be compounded with a sense of shame years on for being unable to cope.

"In the interim," says Elizabeth Morris, a divorce recovery therapist, "they are just trying to survive - that is when the financial arrangements, legal pressures, what to do with the children, all come into play." She goes on to point out that without the social support that couples have, they lose out even more on becoming single.

We are supposed to know how to maintain relationships, and casualties of break-up can feel a deep sense of personal failure. Elizabeth likens it to a feeling that there is a signpost over your head saying: "Can’t quite hack it here." But if society did not have a success/failure perspective on relationships - a cultural frame of reference which takes a judgmental stance, the degree of suffering and shame could be alleviated.

 HOLDING BACK THE TEARS

"Emotionally, there is a small part of you that festers inside and can become like a malignant growth - if you were suffering from any other form of pain, you’d go to a doctor"

Denise Knowles, Counsellor, RELATE

As you begin to piece the jigsaw together it becomes clear that break-up is more than it seems at first glance. We are dealing with people’s dearest hopes and dreams, nebulous personal beliefs which cannot be given a straightforward linear definition. Denise Knowles, a counsellor for RELATE, explains that divorce is multifaceted - once people have dealt with the practicalities - the necessities of divorce - the emotional impact can strike months or years later.

When these emotions are not dealt with, we become emotionally handicapped in a way which can potentially damage our ability to form nurturing and fulfilling relationships for a lifetime. "We go through a downward curve whereby we are pole-axed when it initially happens," says Eileen McCabe, of the Catholic Marriage Advisory Council. "We can only keep up a coping strategy of denial for a limited time before our self-esteem drops and we go into a period of depression."

She goes on to say that, for long involved relationships, the result can be a very deep, profound, painful and dark feeling where there seems to be no way out. But, gradually, we come up on the curve with a new single reality which we must test out on the world. It is like being a newborn.

But we must deal with the crippling emotions. Unlike the bereaved, the source of our pain is still walking around, perhaps remaining connected to us through the children. Thelma Fisher of National Family Mediation affirms that "if resentment, disappointment, anger and hurt persist for a long time, it is very difficult for adults to make new lives positively."

The solution lies in co-operation, understanding and validation of each others feelings. It may not be any easy road – Pauline Fowler, a mediator trained with the Family Mediators Association as well as a solicitor specialising in Family Law, says that no one should expect to walk out of mediation sessions lasting one-and-a-half hours with "a nice neat package" and that it takes a number of such sessions. But mediation does offer a feeling of control to the splitting couple.

If social pressure to overcome the psychological trauma of divorce leads to a pressure cooking of suppressed emotions, the current legal system proffers the spark to ignite a potentially explosive situation.

 THE COURTROOM BUST-UP

"The legal issues can turn what is a civilised break-up into World War Three. It is essential that a solicitor be sensitive to more than the financial deal"

Helen Adam, Family Law Dept, Anthony Gold Lerman & Muirhead

Pauline Fowler advises that if unresolved anger continues for an appreciable time after the break-up, couples can get locked into litigation, playing out an angry relationship with each other. "This can be exacerbated by our adversarial court system," she says.

"The legal system surrounding divorce can prolong the pain process, when the break is acrimonious and the spoils of marriage are fought out in the courtroom"

Kieran Murphy, Chief Executive, Gingerbread

The irony is that while Legal Aid will pay a small amount towards mediation regarding the children, it will not pay for mediation in respect of sorting out the finances. Legal Aid will not cover costs until legal proceedings are brought and cases over finances can take 12 to 18 months to get to court; wrangles over children can take 6-9 months for a full hearing.

"The court system can be like a sledgehammer to crack a nut if you have a dispute about arrangements for the children," says Pauline. Even with the positive development from organisations like National Family Mediation or the Solicitors Family Law Association (SFLA) and the Family Mediators Association (FMA), there is still a lemming-like tendency in some to go for the "courtroom bust-up."

"Mediation needs to be a real choice that most people make when they go through divorce," says Thelma Fisher of National Family Mediation, "It is not now a choice due to lack of availability or public funding."

"Individuals who are suffering from the consequences of marriage and relationship breakdown should have access to help from lawyers, financial advisors, counsellors and therapists"

Mark Harper, Solicitor in Family Law, National Committee Member, SFLA

Currently the cost of mediation in respect of children is borne by organisations like National Family Mediation who charge on a sliding scale according to ability to pay. Therapy and counselling which, according to Pauline Fowler, play an essential role in preventing divorce war, are left to charities such as RELATE or the Catholic Marriage Advisory Council.

On the surface, comprehensive mediation through the FMA over all aspects of relationship breakdown including finances is cost-prohibitive, with charges at £180 per session. But the legal profession argues that this can actually cost much less than lawyers’ fees incurred in going to court. What is most important, they advise, is avoiding non-specialist lawyers who can take advantage of emotional clients.

Mark Harper, a national committee member of the SFLA, emphasises the need for a "commitment to resolving the problems arising at the end of family relationships by trying to promote a conciliatory atmosphere to deal with matters in a sensitive, constructive and cost effective way."

If we do not learn to recognise and deal humanely with the complex workings of break-up, we will be forced to accept the consequences of unresolved conflict. Many of these will linger long after the courtroom battle has ended and manifest themselves more deeply in our lives - through an inability to maintain new relationships and through the scars of our children.

 A LEGACY OF PAIN

"If we do not acknowledge the real feelings of anger, loneliness and bitterness, they hover around for future relationships. The whole cycle can be passed through generations"

Denise Knowles, Counsellor, RELATE

According to Thelma Fisher of National Family Mediation, no one can divorce ‘happily’ because people are detaching themselves from a primary adult relationship - a belief echoed by Kieran Murphy of Gingerbread. "When a partnership goes wrong," he says, "it whittles away at self-esteem and confidence and, often, separation is the first positive step toward dealing with them."

But having to deal repeatedly with an ex-partner through the children can make things worse if we do not exorcise negative associations which are causing bitterness and anger. When a person is left behind, for example, there is always the "what if" factor: "What if I had been more supportive ... what if we give it another go...?"

"People often continue to choose the same partner in a different skin," says Eileen McCabe of the Catholic Marriage Advisory Council. "Sometimes people will choose a new partner with the same negative characteristics." And on the second round, the strong likelihood of break-up exists through the pattern you have created.

Denise Knowles advises that it can "compound the feelings of failure from the first time. People in their second marriage will tell us things are not right and often this is because they still have one foot tied up emotionally in the first relationship and are not free to move forward."

"We assume that adults have the emotional literacy to cope with divorce - it is not something we are taught"

Denise Knowles, Counsellor, RELATE

Psychotherapist Tim Sparrow advises that, even after three to four years of separation, a person’s feelings can be deeply affected when the ex-spouse re-marries - if two former partners are kept in contact through a child it can affect their ability to move on emotionally.

"Very often, the person who is left hides from mutual friends," says Elizabeth Morris, divorce recovery counsellor, "because they do not want knowledge of their emotional struggle going back to the ex-partner. It is their only way of holding on to pride and dignity."

The tenacious negative effects can mar our future hopes and affect our children as they grow up and their ability to form lasting partnerships when they become adults. "When children of divorced parents themselves divorce, the feeling of failure is often doubled because they have set themselves up to succeed where their parents have failed," explains Denise Knowles.

 THE NEED TO RESOLVE CONFLICT

However, the effects of unresolved conflict on the children of broken partnerships begins much earlier. It is widely held that it is not divorce itself which emotionally handicaps children, but the way in which it is handled.

"The effects of unresolved conflict can be very destructive and ... can in turn lead to family problems, job losses and sometimes alcoholism, drug abuse and crime"

Marian Liebmann, Director, Mediation UK

According to Helen Adam, solicitor in Family Law, the Government and courts are gradually coming around to the idea that court bust-ups have familial repercussions which draw on other statutory resources other than Legal Aid.

"There are the unquantifiable costs of trauma in the family," she says, "which can lead to truancy, crime and drug dependency as well as more reliance on social services which have a monthly drain on government resources." Only recently, since the 1980’s, have people started to recognise the positive benefits of conciliation.

Pauline Fowler, a mediator and solicitor, extends this view. "When ex-partners re-marry, there can be a lot of resentment towards the new partner. The problem is giving the children permission to love all the adults in their lives including the new spouse."

National Family Mediation advises that if children think of the divorce of their parents as damaging, it is difficult for them to get over it. They need to feel that they understand enough of what happens to see themselves as not being handicapped by it. Parents need to realise that they have a common interest in resolving it for the sake of their children and then move on.

Moving on is not always easy. For women particularly it can represent an almost insurmountable transition - not so much from unresolved emotions as the inadequacy of cultural and legal frameworks to provide adequate long-term practical support.

WOMEN AND THE POVERTY TRAP

"For the vast majority of lone parents after break-up, it means a life on state benefits and being forced into a poverty trap"

Kieran Murphy, Chief Executive, Gingerbread

According to Gingerbread, the key long-term problem for lone parents after divorce is the poor and inconsistent level of payments from the absent parent to the caring parent. This will particularly affect women who have spent years caring in the home. Suddenly in need of an income, these women have a low level of skills and are likely to get low-paid jobs.

Most interested organisations will agree that the Child Support Agency is in a shambles even though they may support the CSA in principle. A chief concern, however, is that so far the CSA has had the negative effect of resurrecting acrimony between divorced parents.

Solicitor Pauline Fowler argues that the CSA should be abandoned, although it has had the positive benefit of having "thrown up higher figures for maintenance than some courts set – figures which are closer to reality."

"If you look at The Child Support Agency as it stands, it is debatable whether it serves lone parents or the Treasury"

Nikki Abraham, Team Rights Leader, National Council For One Parent Families

The emotional trauma for divorced lone parents, advises Nikki Abraham of the National Council For One Parent Families, is that they can expect themselves and their children to live in long-term poverty. The unbreakable cycle manifests itself in the caring parent’s inability to get off benefit and back to work. As it stands, says Nikki, "clean-break arrangements, where the wife settled for ownership of the house, were made on the understanding that lone parents would have financial support from the state."

"What happens is that, in the long term, a mother is trapped on benefit to keep her mortgage paid and is unable to get the kind of employment which will cover the cost of the mortgage and raising children. Ex-husbands, on a clean-break arrangement, can pay a token maintenance which has no real benefit"

The longer term effect of divorce and separation on lone parents is that poverty and poor housing can affect family health, parenting skills and self confidence. Nikki emphasises that there is a myth popularised by the media that lone parents tend to be young, feckless teenagers when, in reality, only 2% of lone parents are teenage mothers.

"For most women, the husband’s pension is the most valuable property she is going to lose in divorce"

Leonara Lloyd, Parliamentary Liaison Officer, The Fawcett Society

When women get divorced, they do not think of how they will lose out on their husband’s pension. Those who have spent a substantial amount of their married life in the home, supporting the husband while he establishes his career, lose their security in retirement when he walks out of the door.

On 1st November 1994, Labour MP Harry Cohen presented a bill to Parliament on behalf of Fairshares, a new pressure group formed to campaign for change in the law regarding division of pension on divorce. According to Dawn Barnett, founder of Fairshares, "part of the problem is historical - women now in their forties and fifties were raised with traditional expectations towards marriage. Namely, that she would marry, have children and centre her activities around the home."

"Women are viewed as strange creatures who can handle everything from career development to home life"

Dawn Barnett, Founder, Fairshares

Dawn argues that women of her generation were also encouraged to develop themselves and their skills, and to be part of the work-force. "Yet, at the same time, we were supposed to do an enormous balancing act, still in the position of fulfilling all the roles of a homemaker."

The Fawcett Society, the oldest organisation in the country campaigning for women’s rights, states that women are more likely to be in casual jobs, following their husbands where their employment takes them, and are therefore less likely to be in pension schemes.

"Married women who were poor in their working life are condemned to be poor in their retired life"

Leonara Lloyd, Parliamentary Liaison Officer, The Fawcett Society

For Dawn Barnett, the unpleasant reality of divorce for women in their middle years is simple: "She has made the investment in her husband as a commodity over the years. He has been fed, watered, propped up through his career and sheltered daily within the security of family life. Once he walks away from his marital responsibilities, he is free to start afresh. What does she do then? Her life is wiped out."

The vagaries of becoming single again do not stop there - if resolving conflict, facing legal wrangles, and coping with poverty and isolation from our peers is not enough - we must still deal with the commercial realities of our singledom.

 CONFUSION OVER DATING RULES

"People who come out of relationships are often vulnerable, hurt and lacking in self confidence. In that condition they are ripe for exploitation by unscrupulous introduction agencies"

Bill Halson, Secretary, Society of Marriage Bureaux

According the the Catholic Marriage Advisory Council, being on your own again can be a very lonely period when people must test out their new single reality. They are faced with the realisation that, when it comes to dating, the rules have changed. "Who makes the first move; who asks for the first date - somebody has changed the rules and nobody told you", are common fears, Eileen McCabe tells us.

If we have been cocooned within the world of coupledom, the idea of being thrust upon the dating scene again means a complete role change – and with a new and different you. Says Pauline Fowler, a trained mediator, "You cannot start again as if you are nineteen, because you and your new partner are each likely to have had a significant emotional history."

According to Bill Halson, Secretary of the Society of Marriage Bureaux, who is concerned with setting the standards of conduct for introduction services, "the prospect of a sudden, solitary existence is so alarming that many just want to rush headlong back into a relationship."

The urge to feel part of a couple once more also seems symptomatic of the deep sense of social pressure felt by single again adults. Friends, acquaintances and even relatives often seem to imply that getting back into a relation-ship is a major priority, almost as if this is a prerequisite to becoming a whole person again.

COMMERCIAL EXPLOITATION

Bill Halson goes on to say that many separated and divorced people are lacking in confidence and unsure of themselves, especially if they have been rejected by their previous partner. In this condition, they are vulnerable to the exploitation of often expensive and unscrupulous introduction agencies who take advantage of their malleable emotional state.

"People should not be pushed to begin a new relationship until they are good and ready," he advises, "and they may need a great deal of help to reach that stage."

Indeed, since single again people may be experiencing financial hardship, joining an introduction agency can be a dangerous and sometimes distressing gamble.

 SOLO TRAVELLERS PAY MORE

"Now the collective worm has turned - by refusing to pay supplements we shall be voting with our feet"

Jean Jewell, Founder, Single Travellers Action Group

Yet it appears that commercial exploitation of those who are single once more does not limit itself to new relationships. Jean Jewell, founder of the Single Travellers Action Group tells us, "the single traveller is exploited, discriminated against and expected to pay more."

Single travellers are forced to pay single supplements. for hotel rooms and for package holidays. This can amount to, for example, a single person paying £750 more per head than a couple. "The reason for this idiotic pricing policy," says Jean, "is that it is assumed every room has a double occupancy despite the number of beds in it."

Jean has been lobbying tour operators and any organisation with influence in the travel industry. "I have had letters," advises Jean, "from people who have been paying single supplements for the past twenty years or more. Many, as couples in the past, have enjoyed two or three holidays per year with their partners – but now they can hardly afford one holiday."

 "As a single traveller, you feel degraded and put down. Yet, we are a massive market"

Jean Jewell, Founder, Single Travellers Action Group

Once we have begun to navigate the obstacle course of dealing with our new-found singleness, perhaps courageous enough to have faced the emotional trials and to have learned to make sense of our new ‘single reality’, we have the cold commercial truth of single life waiting for us. One that capitalises on the very essence of our ‘singledom’. Commercially, our newly single status is at a premium, after all is said and done – in the courtroom, in the counselling room, in the job arena – after all, there is a price to pay simply because we are alone.

 UNDERSTANDING THE SYNDROME

Single Again Syndrome is complex and consists of an almost Gordian knot characterised by interconnected cultural, governmental, social, commercial and psychological issues. - a complicated societal jigsaw, the pieces of which we have touched upon only briefly. Solving the puzzle will be equally complicated. But we can begin by being aware of the obstacles awaiting the newly single individual. And with awareness, we can begin to learn and create change which empowers those who are single again to build meaningful lives.

 A POSITIVE TRANSITION

"Divorce is a magnificent opportunity to do some personal growth and self exploration"

Denise Knowles, Counsellor, RELATE

It is widely held by many therapists and support organisations that separation and divorce, although deeply painful, provides us with an immense opportunity for positive life changes. It is also believed that parents supported in the co-operative handling of divorce can benefit emotionally themselves as well obviate the suffering of their children.

Single Again Syndrome will perpetuate itself until we as individuals acknowledge our innate ability to benefit from change, and know that personal loss can be the harbinger of growth. As tragic as the effects of the syndrome can be, the real tragedy lies in the knowledge that we have the collective power to turn the tables on partnership breakdown, but we don’t use it.

 © Single Again 1994